It wasn’t until recently (shout out for being brave enough to walk in my counselor’s door over a year ago and ask for help) that I learned (or thought about) the difference between shame an guilt. Shame is the feeling that “I am bad” or “I am unworthy”. Shame is belittling. Shame is a feeling of defeat because you feel or have been taught that you are bad, therefore you are unworthy. Guilt is the feeling that comes that says, “I have DONE something bad”. Shame focuses on one’s self. Guilt focuses on one’s behavior.
When we teach our children they
are not good enough we are teaching them shame.
When we teach our children that they are unworthy unless…….. then we are
teaching them shame. When we bully our
own children under the guise of discipline, we are teaching them shame.
Although they can be devastating, wounds will heal, scars will fade, and bruises will diminish with time; however, words can be just as brutal, if not more so. Now, there is this amazing thing called grace. There is an incredible thing called mercy. Forgiveness can be sought for all of these behaviors. Apologies can be given and even meant wholeheartedly. People can change. Forgiveness can be extended. Relationships can be healed.
The whole reason this thought
process started was an ongoing conversation my youngest daughter and I were
having about words and phrases that had been said to us during our childhood
and teenage years. We had even had this
conversation with some friends of ours who reminded us of a few phrases we had
forgotten. I am going to list a few of
the phrases (with some commentary) that we remember:
- You should be ashamed of yourself! (Even if
your child isn’t ashamed of themselves, they know you are ashamed of them,
trust me.)
- You know better! (But do they or is this
assumed?)
- How many times have I told you? (Probably a
few, but have you taught them?)
- That's inappropriate! (Well, have you taught them
what is appropriate?)
- ...Or else...! (Ah, the infamous threat to
get obedience!)
- You're asking for it! (Said to a child who
might be begging for your time/love!)
- Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry
about! (WHY is the child crying?)
- If I want to hear from you, I'll ask you! (Ah,
said to the child who already feels unimportant!)
- Mind your own business. (There are just much
gentler ways to say this very harsh statement!)
- Children should be seen and not heard. (Trust
me, there are kids who wish they could figure out how not to be seen OR
heard!)
- Do as I say, not as I do. (Mom/Dad don't have
to do right, but YOU do! These are 8 very destructive words!)
- Remember who you are! (So, basically this comes
across as a threat and could well be joined with other statements above.)
- Just wait until we get home! (Yes, let's make
the child dread going home even more!)
- Do you need to go into the bathroom? (I could
be completely sarcastic here, but this was a significant threat in my
family, so I will refrain.)
Now, on a side note, I do understand that some parents may make these comments without thinking about how they sound or about the fact that they could be hurting their child. I don’t think that every parent who says these phrases is out to intentionally bully their child. I don’t think that just because a parent says one of these phrases that they set out to make their child feel bad; however, reminiscing about this sampling of well-known phrases literally made my heart hurt. My heart hurt for all of the children who hear phrases like this and are hurt… are bullied. My heart hurts for the children who live with love that is overshadowed by fear or love that is overshadowed by expectations that they will never live up to – mostly because it is impossible.
I am sure it is natural for many people to remember hearing these phrases and give a chuckle, possibly remembering some particular time that their behavior had instigated such a saying. For others, however, these can be a reminder of hurt, of confusion. These can be a reminder of threats instead of teaching. These can be a reminder of just how many times they just “didn’t get it right”. These words can be a reminder of being bullied by the very people who should be loving them, definitely not bullying them. These phrases can open the door and allow all of those feelings of shame to resurface.
The words that are said to our
children matter! If anyone else spoke to our children with words that
could be conveyed as rude, hurtful, or bullying, how would we feel? If you were to stand and listen to someone
speaking to our children with a condescending voice or a narcissistic attitude,
how would you react? Sadly, maybe you wouldn’t
care. Maybe you would laugh it off. Maybe you would just tell them to “suck it up”.
Sadly, it isn’t “someone else” who is hurting our kids with words. It isn’t someone else throwing out threats that our children may not even understand. It isn’t someone else bullying our kids.
Not only do the words that are said to our children matter, but the words our children say matter. We need to teach our children that their words are important. We need to stop and actually hear what our children are saying.
One thing I have learned as an adult is that shame that is created in the heart of a child who, instead of being taught, nurtured, and guided, gets bullied. I want to say that again….. Shame is created in the heart of a child who gets bullied instead of being lovingly taught, nurtured, and guided. Just think about that.
Today, I want to focus on making
sure my kids know that they matter, their words matter, and that they are
worthy. I never want my children to connect
the word shame to who they are as a person.
